If Only
by lynxzpanther
Summary: <html><head></head>Backstory on Vanessa and Red and why they split up  before they were found out, of course , and why Vanessa really wanted things to work with Derek. two-shot.</html>
1. Chapter 1

_**I promised this fic to someone ages ago, but I'm hoping better late than never applies. I love this pairing, even if they both lack a bit in morals. They're like classic star-crossed lovers, aren't they? No recent spoilers, it's all been known since the first few episodes.**_

_**For StarReader86**_

_**Disclaimer: Don't own Hellcats, but it is amazing, isn't it? **_

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><p>All it took was one moment, two words, for the world to come crashing down around her. Have you ever seen the fierce crash of a wave from the ocean to the sand in a storm? It looks almost as if it is trying to attack the land, to kill it in anger over something far greater than we'll ever understand. It was like that: in this moment, the waves were attacking her and thought Vanessa knew what she'd done was <em>wrong, <em>this kind of shock, horror, fear, and above all _pain _just didn't seem fair.

She wondered if this was how Emily would feel.

No, Emily would probably feel far worse and yet far better when it came time for her to know: she hadn't done anything to deserve the pain that her husband's affair would bring her, but at least she would know that she was in the right. Emily stood above it all; she could cast down her judgments and watch them all with a reproachful, despising eye. It was her right. Vanessa was simply _the other woman. _

She didn't know _how _it had come this far. She wasn't that kind of girl. She'd been a good girl all her life, but running off to college had seemed like running off to a fantastic but fictional world compared to the small town she'd grown up in. Everything was big and scary and she had friends, but not best friends, and there wasn't a single soul for her to go to for advice.

She'd made mistakes because no one was there to stop her. That didn't make them any less her fault, because there was no one to blame for that, but it did make the whole ordeal make a lot more sense.

She'd betrayed herself for Red, but was it worth it? Was it worth a bit of lust that seemed all-consuming and unable to be ignored at the time? Was it worth the memories, the half-hearted promises that meant nothing? They both knew nothing would come of this, so what were they _doing? _

Emily had been another fiction in this fantasy world that Vanessa lived in; something mentioned but not tangible. It didn't help that they didn't mention her often; who wanted to be reminded of their wrongs _while they committed them? _No, Emily was like a ghost: unseen, unheard, but _always _felt. Her presence was always there between them, but Vanessa was young and it had been so easy to ignore it.

Not now. Emily was sweet. She wanted _children, _for God's sakes! Jesus, Vanessa felt her face grow stiff and brittle and knew that one more word would shatter her for all the world to see. "I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little off," she hastily explained to Emily. The woman looked concerned and put a hand on her arm. "It's fine, just a little dizziness," she elaborated, trying to rid herself of the clawing, gnawing, roiling, burning _guilt _that was slowly simmering from her stomach to her arteries and veins, spreading systemically and marking Vanessa as the traitorous demon she was. There was no worse sin than to lay your hands on a married man; it was one of those innate truths every woman was born with.

"Are you sure you're alright?"

There they were, those words that broke her, shattering her will to pretend. "Fine," she said, her voice a bit shaky. "I'll just go to the bathroom, in case, you know? It was a pleasure meeting you." She all but ran off, but she didn't head for the bathroom. She fled until she couldn't feel her legs; then, she collapsed and curled up against the wall, sobbing into her knees and hoping no one saw her. They would pity her, and she didn't want pity. She just wanted this to all go away. She wanted this to be a bad dream.

It grew even worse, because she was aware of something during all of this and only now did it struggle free, past her walls of ignorance. She had fallen _in love _with Red. Her first love, a married man with a charming, sweet, innocent wife.

She deserved to die.

"Vanessa?" The calm, quiet concern in the voice made her break even more, but it also gave her the strength to look up at him.

"I met Emily." She had to laugh a little; nothing was funny, but there was just nothing else to do.

"I know." He took a seat beside her and neither looked at the other—they knew not to, not during _this _talk, _the _talk—but rather stared at the wall across from them. "She was worried about you. She sent me to make sure you were alright."

Again, she laughed, but it was more of a sob. "She's an angel."

"She is," he agreed. "But I don't love her."

"You should."

He nodded; she saw the movement out of the corner of her eye. "I tried; I can't."

She let the silence linger for a bit between them; she liked moments like these. They felt right, in some way; she never had to pretend around him, which was probably why they'd ended up like this in the first place. It was so nice, in a life full of keeping up pretences, to just exist with someone else. "I… I can't keep doing this, Red. I… I don't want to hurt her more than we already have. I don't want her to find out. It's…"

"I know." He turned to look at her, but turned away again. "I know," he told her more quietly. I'm so sorry, Nessa. I never wanted to hurt you, or her, I just…"

She shrugged. "Shit happens."

He grinned, but his eyes were sad as she finally met them. "I'm so, so sorry. I…won't be seeing you, then?"

"No," she told him with a sigh. "No, I don't think so. I think I love you, though."

He gave her a sad, tiny half smile. "I think I love you, too."

She went through a week of sadness and ice cream, fake smiles and loneliness, but in the end none of it mattered. They were discovered, Red was fired, Emily got her heart broken, and Vanessa felt like a demon.

She was a terrible, terrible person for falling in love with him, but she just hadn't been able to help it.

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><p><em><strong>Reviews are love! <strong>_


	2. Chapter 2

_**AN: Part 2, the Derek debacle. I did love Derek; he was a great guy.**_

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><p>Derek was a good man. From the moment he walked into her life, Derek was sweet. He was clumsily charming and attempted to <em>woo <em>her, of all things. When she agreed to go out with the sexy new team doctor, she expected a good dinner, _maybe _a boyfriend; Vanessa never expected a man to court her.

On their first date, he brought her flowers. No guy had given Vanessa flowers since… well, since her high school prom. They weren't the standard, cheap drug-store roses, either; he gave her a bouquet of orchids: much rarer and twice as beautiful. He took her to a fabulous dinner, showered her with compliments, and was charming despite his nervous stumbles. When he dropped her off he walked her to her door, but he only kissed her on the cheek when he said goodnight. He was a perfect gentleman, and for the first time Vanessa realized—even as she swooned at his romantic gestures—that maybe gentlemen were a bit overrated.

Not all of their dates were as high maintenance as the first, and he didn't buy her flowers for _every _one of them, but he also never forgot an anniversary. He gave her chocolate for the first month mark, pearl earrings for the sixth month, and a diamond necklace at a year.

He was the best man she had ever known. She loved him. She had to love him—what man would ever be better than her Derek? He was sweet and attentive in the face of her selfish side, devoted and understanding even when she had to bail on him at the last moment due to Hellcat drama, _never _checked out other women (at least, not when she was around), and loved her more than life.

He was safe. A life with Derek promised stability. They would work at their jobs for ages, settle down with a white picket fence, have children, and be happy. There was no mystery to it. While he constantly surprised her, he was also predictable. Maybe _that _was the problem.

Vanessa lived life on the edge. She _loved _the Hellcats; she was a cheerleader at her, so while she kept up an adult-ish calm and logical aura around her kittens, she was just as absorbed in the drama and parties of their affairs as they were. It was fascinating to watch Marti struggle with juggling _law school, _of all things, and cheerleading; it may have been initially for the scholarship, but the girl was one of them now. She loved their sport. Not enough to jeopardize school, but almost. And Savannah! The happy hummingbird of a captain was amusing with her endless outcries of "positive outcomes only!" and her enforced mediator role. Lewis, with his morals, and Alice, with her rebellion; she saw bits of herself in each of them. She loved them all like family—they were, after all, in a lot of ways—and she wanted nothing more than for them _all _to succeed. She never wanted any of them to go through what she'd gone through.

She loved Derek like that. She never wanted to hurt him; God no, that was the farthest thing from her intentions. She wanted him to be happy and content for the rest of his life. It was just that she knew he liked predictable stability, and she loved the rush that came with the unexpected twists of life. She didn't know how happy she would be with him, but if he was happy, everything was okay. Derek was, after all, the best man she'd ever known. She had to love him.

Then Red Raymond came back. She didn't want to be near him; it had taken years to get over him. She'd love him with all of her heart and body and soul, more entirely than she'd ever loved a person in her life and more entirely than she would ever be able to love someone again. She _was _threatened by his presence here; if she fell into his trap again, she would hurt Derek and hurt herself and hurt her Hellcat family. She could _not _do it.

But the man just wouldn't stop chasing her! She reluctantly agreed to accepting his friendship; he was a good ally in a time when she needed some, and she still cared for him despite her wariness. Red wasn't a good man like Derek, but he had never meant to hurt her. He was a lot like Vanessa, really, if they were both dissected deeply enough. Kindred spirits: how could she avoid him?

She didn't let their friendship go past friendship, though. She wouldn't do that. Not to Derek.

Then Derek proposed. It was… the loveliest thing anyone had ever done for her. Spectacular. Amazing. Brilliantly mind-blowing and _sweet: _she loved it and she loved him. She meant it when she told him that yes, of course she would marry him, because in that moment she was happier with Derek than she'd ever been in her life. For a little bit, everything was perfect.

Then real life came crashing back. Red was there and Derek was busy and sweet but they just weren't passionate and she and Red _were, _and they weren't even together… and she gave in. She wasn't strong enough to keep fighting for this. Derek was a good man and he deserved true love; she would never be that for him.

Hell, she didn't deserve true love, but she _wanted _it. Red had always been that for her. Apparently, if he was to be believed, she'd always been that for him. Why stay with someone, even a man as good as Derek, when she knew that?

She understood a bit of what Red had felt all those years ago. She _should, _by all rights, love Derek. He was sweet and happy and would marry her and want kids, and she'd be just like Red. She'd have to go after him, because the overwhelming rightness of being with him pushed away even the guilt of the people they _should _love but simply couldn't. She had to end things with Derek now, because if not he'd be Emily all over again. She couldn't hurt someone like that.

So he hated her, and she cared about him, and it hurt, but it was worth it. Now her life could find the path it had always been headed toward, and she could being down it with Red, her one true love.

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><p><strong><em>Reviews are love!<em>**


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